Hello friends,
I haven't written in a while and I've been contemplating doing so also for a while so here we are. I hope this finds you happy and well. <3
It's only May and it's been quite a year so far. It's been really hard to be honest, I'm hoping that lighter days are ahead. In early January I received notice that I wasn't selected for a position I applied for at work and this was pretty devastating. I really let myself dream about that job so it really hurt when it didn't work out. At the end of January my maternal grandmother passed away suddenly and that was really hard for me. We didn't have much of a relationship because of the dynamics in our family but I was actually impacted more by her death than I would have thought. Grief and death are like that sometimes.
In early February my paternal grandmother passed away as well. That was quite an ordeal and processing (or not) that has been the main reason I haven't written or made art in a while. But I think it's time to let this wound breathe a little so I'm here. My grandma, Abuelita as I call her, entered inpatient hospice care on a Thursday and passed 10 days later. Due to various logistical circumstances that are unnecessary to share (and unimportant anyway) I was the only person in my family available to go and be with her for the majority of her hospice time. That experience was so many things for me: gut-wrenching, meaningful, difficult, and transformational. All of the losses in my life have been sudden, this was the first time I have ever anticipated someone's death and sort of been able to say goodbye.
I spent those 10 days mostly in her room on the little couch or with the recliner pushed up next to her bed so we could hold hands and I could be close to her. Sometimes I'd prop my computer on the desk so we could watch "I Love Lucy" together. We used to watch that all the time when I was little. She wasn't conscious for our time together but one friend who has been through hospice before advised that I still talk to her and basically act as though she could hear and see me. I got there around 4 or 5 am (I couldn't sleep) and stayed until 10pm or so each day so the days in that little room were long. Each day I went on a field trip, sometimes to Publix (my favorite grocery store that I miss living in STL) and sometimes to the bookstore or Starbucks. One night I went to the beach. Anyway, the field trips helped me because they gave me a little break. I also felt like I needed to give my grandma some space incase she didn't want me there when she passed. My sense was that she did want someone there but I wasn't sure.
The night before she passed I was so anxious and heavy with the reality that I needed to drive home to STL the next day to be able to go back to work because I was out of PTO. For this reason, I had a sense it was our last night together because logistically it was. I didn't know it would end up really being our last night together. Grief-stricken and heavy with what felt like the weight of the world, I did my best to be with her and myself that night. I pushed the recliner right up next to her bed and put her hand on top of mine. We watched a few episodes of Lucy and sometimes just laid together while I quietly cried on and off. I do have a couple of pictures of us holding hands but I feel like those are kind of just for me or for my family. They just feel private.
Our last few days together were full of reflection for me. My brain went everywhere from really existential inquiries to remembering good and bad times we had. Mostly I thought of how I loved her, and how she loved me, both of us imperfectly. I hadn't thought about this in years, but I remembered a nursery rhyme she used to sing to me at bedtime when I spent the night at her house or we were away on a trip. I had scour the depths of my brain to remember enough of the lyrics to google and hopefully find the whole song, which I was able to do. On our last night together while we laid with her hand under mine, I sang to her. I sang for hours on repeat, through my tears at times. I changed the lyrics to the song slightly for her and just sang on repeat for about 3 hours. Sometimes I'd pause and cry for a minute and then start up again. I think it was the best way that I could think of to be with her and myself. I sang my grief and prepared for the steps ahead. It was one of the most intense emotional experiences of my life. and yet, it was also such a gift that I'll never forget. The sun rose the next morning and shortly after that she quietly slipped away and life without her began.
I was immensely relieved that I didn't have to leave her to go back to work and that she was able to fully transition to rest while someone was still with her. My sense was that she didn't want to be alone, so it was absolutely tearing me apart that I was going to have to leave her that day regardless of whether she passed. It's almost like she knew. Looking back there are a lot of signs that she did. What I am sharing here with y'all is really just the tip of the iceberg on this experience for me. To write the whole thing feels a bit overwhelming at this moment and also it would be a novel and I don't want to do that to you. As I'm writing I'm just struck by how full this experience was, and how much I am leaving out (for now).
About four days later, at the suggestion of a friend, I went to see a psychic. Obviously you can think whatever you want about psychics and life after death, but this was a very meaningful experience for me. I felt that the woman I saw (who I'd never met before) truly had a connection to something deeper that gave her insights she couldn't otherwise have. Maybe I'll do a whole post on my time with her at some point. Anyway, the first thing that happened in our time together was that she relayed a barrage of emphatic "thank you's" from my grandmother. It was sweet and did make me feel good but at the same time I didn't really need that from her. Although only 4 days had gone by since she passed I had a deep sense that I was supposed to be with her in her last days and that it was an important time for both of us. I appreciated her gratitude and found it touching, but I didn't really need it.
I'm still processing and avoiding processing the events surrounding her death. Writing all of this and connecting with y'all over it is part of that effort. Meeting with the psychic was apparently all I needed to start writing my book again as I've been working on it a lot since then. I also have been reading like crazy because it helps me write and if I'm being an honest it's also an escape. I started an account on Instagram just to review books and share recommendations but I'm not doing a great job keeping up with it because I I finish books too quickly and before I know it I have like 6 books to review. I'm enjoying BookTok a lot though, I just have to figure out my rhythm with it. It's this.arttherapist.reads if anyone wants to follow along.
I was in touch with many of you while staying with my grandma in hospice. I needed the company and often felt lonely there. Thank you so much for reaching out to me and checking in on me, it meant so much.
I think this is what I can share right now, though life is robust and there are a lot of things happening and in the works these days. More about all that another time :)
with love,
Veronica
p.s. For anyone in my family that's curious, I'll post the lyrics to the nursery rhyme with my edits below:
Duérmete mi niña, duérmete mi amor,
duérmete pedazo de mi corazón.
Tu mamá te quiere, tus hermanos también,
todos en la casa te queremos bién.
Duermete mi niña, duérmete mi amor,
duermete pedazo de mi corazón.
Esta niña linda que nació de dia
quiere que la lleven a la dulcería.
Duermete mi niña, duérmete mi amor,
duermete pedazo de mi corazón.
Esta niña linda que nació de noche
quiere que la lleven a pasear en coche.
Duermete mi niña, duérmete mi amor,
duermete pedazo de mi corazón.
Esta niña linda se quiere dormir y el picaro sueño no quiere venir.
